We could call it whatever we like, essentially we set the rules surrounding our lives.
Our relationship has intensified in areas we did not expect.
Burning questions, life lessons and stealth deception.
We dreamt of becoming the couple that wins at everything. Only we end up losing because neither of us accepts the fact that we aren’t like the pictures we post up on our social media platforms.
We dare not part, for the blogs would type and the users would read, the creators would make memes and our lie would be free!
That’s why each week we pencil in a day, well a block of time for us to try and reach and match our still images of happiness with reality.
You went on like you forgot to buy condoms.
I acted like it was okay! I didn’t want a piece of latex to ruin our moment in time.
My period was late.
My period never arrived.
I tested positive.
I waited for what I thought was the right time to tell you and you offered to book me into a private abortion clinic.
I hadn’t reacted and you assumed I agreed with your offer.
When two people declare love and love has been shown, one can’t help but imagine that whatever comes their way, they will face it as one.
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For a long time, I held on like super-glue on the minds of the dumb and reckless.
I gave birth to resentment and fed jealousy all the nonsense it needed to thrive.
I processed negative thoughts and entertained deception.
I blended life with extra drama and gave hate a glorious reception.
Today I write this to let you know, that today is the day I let old pain go.
I searched deep within and located blue notes of fortune.
I played back the tune and remembered the connection I once shared with you.
The tune went over and through my existence. I feel warm and excited at releasing my stubborn resistance.
I miss you, I love you and this post ain’t no joke!
I wish we could reconnect and remain connected this time. I pushed you and pushed you away at the time. I was a tyrant to our growth – I feared having hope.
I accept that part was wrong and I should’ve stopped when you spoke.
Anything good in my life I don’t believe it, you see.
I poke it and prick it and build walls around me.
I feared being happy, as you made me happy so much so. There were shit times, you were shit at times – all acknowledged and I’ve let go.
Back then I did what I felt was right.
I pushed you away and set our bond on fire. I retreated to my safe space and watched memories burn away.
If you ever call I’d say, ‘It’s okay. I understand.’
Almost daily I miss our bond.
I love you and I’m sorry we never remained friends.
I know in my heart we were bought together to educate specific areas of my life.
I know in my soul that were it not for your presence, I would never have levelled up!
You may never reach out following our last conversation. However, if you did? Know I’ll be happy to hear from you.
I may never contact you in this world. However, take comfort in the fact that I want to.
I’m in a place where my thoughts are valued and my points are understood. I’ve found a space for my creativity to thrive and for my heart to expand with joy.
I have a bounty of gratitude I reflect upon daily.
Our initial bond gave birth to a whole new universe and I’ll forever remain dedicated to the gift. Your role in this has been noted and tears have fallen.
I blocked the bitch.
I blocked the bitch.
I stopped the bitch.
I locked off the bitch.
I dropped the bitch.
Cut off the bitch.
Read the bitch and shocked the bitch.
Keep your one sided activities, ignorant mindset and lack of complete narrative. I don’t need any of it.
The understanding that you are who you are: means that I’ll always grow being true to myself.
The bitch borrowed money for reasons she failed to list.
But we saw her with her nails done!
Shellac, she hash-tagged the life out of, even managing to upload a short video explaining her ‘fit,’ for today’s LET’S VALIDATE MELLISA LOOK!
But then that second text came through:
Hope you’re good?
I was wondering if you could lend me £60, please?
I have no food left and I need to get some bits in for my kids.
I know I’ve already borrowed £30 but I can give it all back next Friday when I get paid.
The bitch asked for more money, this time stating its for food for her kids. She has two.
But her latest post shows she’s spending coins in Armani.
Armani life, she hash-tagged with 29 Armani related tags that followed. A new purse was purchased, I guess that was to store borrowed money inside.
I read the message.
I logged onto Just Eat and ordered a waffle with syrup and vanilla ice-cream
Maybe you eat the chicken raw if the chicken is what you like.
Maybe I cut the phone because I hate social connections.
Maybe you drink out of a larger cup because you’re greedy and don’t give a fuck that there’s nothing left for the rest of us.
Maybe I raise my eyebrows at you, for hoarding your shit. I hate it. All of it.
Maybe you apologise for being a dick and then wank yourself with an old sock.
Maybe, I’m just overthinking the possibilities? I mean, didn’t you say you were vegan?
Our love began back when the days were long, and hate was short-lived.
My kisses gave you life.
You were dying from being broken down, by a dazzling fraudster. Bitch bred and fled with many bricks.
My kisses opened your mind to my amazing inoculations.
You suck on my lips like you know where to find my sweet elixir. I giggle, I’m ticklish.
I’m cheesy as fuck, but I’m everything.
I’m our sky.
I’m our clouds.
I’m our rain.
I am an abundant quantity of oxygen.
You inhale my presence deeply.
I hold a plethora of bad omens.
You exhale love, each special moment.
At the 96th hour, I let go.
You cry as warmth increases to a high wave of heat.
Sorry, not sorry.
I have no time for your ignorance.
I have no patience for your questions.
Babe, you’re a damn good kisser.
But I can’t muster the energy to understand your deceit.
Talkin’ bout, you want more and more from my half of this partnership. But you gave me unread messages, ignored phone calls and divided time, love and appreciation.
Your heart is beating faster and faster, beating your insides and showing your nonsense out.
I can hear the angels calling you.
Only, the deal I made with Lucifer, meant that as your heart pounds you to death, your soul will be absorbed by nothing and no one.
It’ll flow around our world aimlessly and unseen.
I have no sympathy for you personally.
I am everything and everything is Unique.
Once upon a time, a scruffy dog used to bark and bark and bark, all day long.
One night after tossing and turning in bed, the neighbour next door – the one that smiles at the dogs’ owners every day and has never expressed his annoyance about their cute little dog. Took some slices of ham out of his fridge and went quietly into his back garden.
The dog saw him and through the joy of familiarity, wagged his tail excitedly and watched carefully as this friendly man hopped over the fence with some slices of succulent, honey-glazed ham.
The neighbour tossed a slice and the little dog jumped up and caught it.
The neighbour tossed a second slice. Only this slice landed right by the neighbours left foot.
The cheerful (now quiet) but excited dog. Trotted over to the neighbour, and bent down to eat another tasty treat.
The neighbour knelt and looped a cable tie around the dog’s neck. At first, the dog yelped in horror, but seconds later the little squeals came to an untimely end. The neighbour cut the cable tie, picked up the limp dog and placed him gently into his kennel.
The neighbour hopped back over the fence. Back into his house, into the bathroom to wash his hands and then with a delightful smile across his face, he drifted off into a deep sleep.
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Reception – 06.02.2021
The reception was about as weak as waiting in the rain at London Victoria coach station.
I thought receptions were about a celebration of some kind, whether that be life, death or like earlier, love? Maybe, I’m not smart enough to comprehend the meaning behind them.
On the menu was a traditional Sunday roast: Chicken, potatoes, carrots and gravy. Only, what we were served was dried out chicken breasts, rock hard potatoes, cold carrots and watered down gravy.
My cold plate was washed out with cold hard objects, they labelled fine dining.
I was seated at a table with a pursed lipped smoker and her ashy fingers. Fingers that kept accidentally brushing my exposed skin and a wrinkled mouth that said, ‘forgive me, love. Your skin is so soft, I use the finest lotions on my own skin, see!’ then reaching out and grasping my hand. I lose count at the third attempt.
Now, I love apple crumble and custard but the crumble was more like a chunky apple sauce, with a crumble dusting. Topped off with cheap, lumpy, piping hot, sugary custard. My stomach was growling and the drinks were tasteless.
The reception was a damp attempt to please the masses.
Brief Interviews with Hideous Men by David Foster Wallace
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They would like to participate in your event when they’re riding along for free.
They tag along right beside you when the attention is warm, and the vibe feels right. I guess I automatically become a log fire, lit and burning bright during the winter nights.
Until nothing but cold ash moves gently, like a man that just been shot five times in his right leg. Then pain is evident, but the blood eventually starts to curdle.
I know nothing.
I know that I know nothing.
I know you’re tired of thinking it.
They limp beside me in fake association when I call out for help. The dialogue translates into this:
Me: Help me!
Them: I’m here.
Me: The problem is…
Them: I’m here to help but I’ve just got to run home and turn off the oven. I’ll be right back!
11 days later
Them: Hey! Hope you’re well. I was just thinking about you.
Deep in the forests, they shaded life away from my existence.
Out on the open road, they would like to ride shotgun.
Far into the ocean heads are held underwater for a least 11 minutes.
Look up into the sky and watch me glide over my consciousness.