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EXCLUSIVE: Malefic Mondays – He said, ‘Okay, I’m Vegan.’ 19.04.2021

He bought three beans from Tesco and thought he was doing the world a favour.

He kept on saying how he’s a baby vegan.

He made an Instagram account, posting daily about his vegan life.

His popularity grew beyond his expectations. Big brands paid him to promote their Vegan products; food, beauty, clothing and surely the ethos of leading a plant-based life.

The irony was each night after he streamed his delicious vegan meals. He would visit his cupboard that was home to another fridge/freezer – jam-packed with food he deemed DELICIOUS.

Remember, he’s paid to promote vegan. All ‘things’ vegan.

Viewers to his social media platforms were in awe of how perfect his vegan journey was progressing.

What no one knew is that he used dark magic to give the viewers the perfect scene. A feast for their green eyes – vegan here, vegan there, vegan lifestyle everywhere.

The fuck he cared about any of that:

This vegan ate kangaroo, monkey, duck and rat.

He grilled crocodile and swore to himself it tasted like chicken. He deep-fried squid and shared a plate with his girlfriend Miriam.

He ate steak by the lb fried and covered with peppered sauce. He gave zero fucks about the world and his lifestyle contained no hints of remorse.

He cashed his cheques from the world online.

He ordered shark fin and snapped the shot.

That night he posted up a lentil curry and hashtagged the life out of vegan #Vegan.

At night, you know the moment before he rested up in his bed, sized for a King. He smiled at the thousands of people who showered him with attention throughout the day.

He smiled because social-media deception is as easy as abracadabra.

Salty Saturday’s: CANCELLED

Cancel one for speaking out of a name.

Cancel your subscription because the network fucked up with the variety. Your definition is not that and White Chicks is no longer acceptable.

(Can’t take my memories away. Bare jokes fam!)

Cancel my online order because they keep messing up my groceries.

Cancel your car insurance because you know you’re a great driver! Besides, you wanna keep all your coins.

Cancel your mind because your thoughts are docile and you don’t trust your law or anyone else’s.

At the end of the day, one day will be your last.