Suffering – 18.12.2021

I am lying in bed, allowing my thoughts to fuel my anxiety.

I’m feeling a great deal of stress today, so forgive my absence. I think my phone will be turned off most of the time.

No one understands the pressure and expectations. No one appreciates that I’m one woman – I need a hug, not a demand.

The majority of my time is spent doing things for others. Many vultures circle my life, waiting to pick at my essence when I’m not 100%

E.g. I volunteer between work/research – I wasn’t available yesterday, as I was working. The organiser sent a rude email about ‘why?’ I replied articulately, and she apologised. **Why is there a sense of entitlement around the gifts I bring to those around my circles

Sometimes I need space from everyone.

Sometimes I need a break from my thoughts.

Sometimes I need a Tuesday to be alone.

📵

❤️

I love you all. I need some time…

Welcome November 2021

Welcome November

Welcome, November,

The eleventh month in the year marks the eighth week count down to the end of 2021.

Last month, I spent a lot of time reflecting and working on close relationships. Friends are essential in life, and I guess I’ve been guarded in the past – many factors surrounding why I react how I react. Though October has taught me to embrace my friends more and understand why things are the way they are.

I’ve enjoyed listening to several audiobooks on Audible, specifically The Jane Austin Classics, Her Body and Other Parties by Machado and I’ve recently started The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. Audiobooks help me to get deep into a story while going for a stroll and staying healthy.

I tend to be quite hard on myself when I don’t get things completed or give myself too much to do in a short time.

In October, I have learned that when it comes to writing, I have found that I infrequently go through periods of emotions when I can’t seem to write anything – too much on my mind right now.

I’m often distracted by life, or rather the drama in the lives of others, which leads to my time being channelled into wasting energy on nonsensical conversations and people who take too much and give nothing back in return.

I need to focus on my needs and not the needs/wants of others. This will lead to an increase in productivity in my creative endeavours.

I digress.

October was a month of pleasing others and neglecting my craft. November will include more trips to the library, museums, and a lovely café that serves vegan hot chocolate.

Embrace reading every moment you can, and don’t stop.

Dame Unique

Growing Pains

I understand, and I hear you; I love you. I don’t pray!

I don’t believe in random activities, though I procrastinate throughout the day.

I want you. I want me, I want us, I want life.

I need time, more time.

The bolts of life thunder around my mind, creating worlds between myself and I.

The inevitable will happen, and we will fall in love during the day. I’ll kiss you as you fall asleep and quietly walk away.

Boxed In Boxed Down

You say one thing and do another.

You’re like, ‘ask me anything, we can talk about anything.’

I speak and you act like you’re shocked by my choice of words. Then you go silent for a while – resurfacing as nothing happened and ask, ‘are you okay?’

I mean, we are grown!

Yet, you act as though I have poisoned our conversation and crawl back to base, only to whimper a little.

Why are you so conformed to a false narrative, delivered by our society?

I look at you and think? Right! Okay!

The things you choose to do, allow me to see you under one hundred, hundred-watt lights.

Get some sealant and box yourself in.

Stay down.