Lying in bed, feeling depleted as my energy falls even lower than yesterday.
My body is hot, and my thoughts are cold. I ache from the inside out. But who truly cares for me, but me?
Dreams wane, and my drive steers off course. I feel a crash, though black ice is hard to see.
Impactful.
The stars that surround my vision and highlight a metaphorical limit still glow. Sometimes I catch a flicker of their unison to show me that one day they will die.
For now, I stay in bed. Considering my life choices and craving a mind-massage.
‘I’ll miss you now, but you’ll miss me the rest of your life.’ – Rosie
Today, she gave herself permission to let go.
Though she felt completely dead inside, she knew that her weakness was the source of all her pain.
Today, she allowed her heart to open up and become the target. Her mind regurgitated memories of the lies he sang to her in the form of a unique connection and emotional bond.
Today, she created an opportunity for him to reassure her mind. Instead, he doubled down on his deceitful behaviour, and she sensed a hint of pleasure in his goodbye. It was akin to being bitten by a venomous snake and having the power to cure the heart. Choosing to smile in the face of someone who unequivocally valued you, prioritised you, and though you promised you’ll never hurt her.
Your smile beams, glancing at the antidote and her life fading in…three, two, one.
Admittedly, the tears she created today were nothing in comparison to before. Her gift forced her to see the truth even before she was ready.
Her heart told her to stay and continued to pour into a non-existent soul.
May she treat herself with kindness and stop wishing she never existed in such a heartless world. May her mind stop mocking her emotional intelligence and laughing at her inability to connect with a good man. May her memories stop belittling her luck, with constant reminders of all the red flags he stitched right before her.
Today, she gave herself permission to let go.
She cried for forty-four minutes, switched the track to 16 Carriages by Beyoncé, wiped tears from her face, blew her nose, then sat back in bed and asked our universe for peace of mind.
‘I’ll miss you now, but you’ll miss me the rest of your life.’ – Rosie
Today, she gave herself permission to let go.
Though she felt completely dead inside, she knew that her weakness was the source of all her pain.
Today, she allowed her heart to open up and become the target. Her mind regurgitated memories of the lies he sang to her in the form of a unique connection and emotional bond.
Today, she created an opportunity for him to reassure her mind. Instead, he doubled down on his deceitful behaviour, and she sensed a hint of pleasure in his goodbye. It was akin to being bitten by a venomous snake and having the power to cure the heart. Choosing to smile in the face of someone who unequivocally valued you, prioritised you, and though you promised you’ll never hurt her.
Your smile beams, glancing at the antidote and her life fading in…three, two, one.
There’s something very rewarding about having time to switch off and rejuvenate. I’m surrounded by vampires. Insomnia chases me most nights, yet my voice hides away in fear of my power. I’m exhausted.
At the top of this tree, I sit, and no one will clock it. Day by day, I grow and swell; I understand where you stand and how deceit bloats common minds.
I’m not defined by my words, but inflation steals my time.’
Every time you have the time and space to improve, you do nothing.
I hint as I speak, I highlight with red rings of fire. Yet you sit back and act like a bitch.
Stomp your feet and throw yourself onto a bed of floral, fresh memory foam, and you peek before your soft landing.
You pluck out yet another appeasement and sprinkle it around me, hoping it remains as effective as the last dose.
You forget that all things have an expiry date, even plastic degrades, eventually.
I could draw a map daily, provide a flashlight and, of course, sustenance, and guide you myself, but you’d get lost again. I’d forever state how lucky you were to end up exactly where you started.
It’s a miracle.
Bless my soul for believing in you.
These days, I don’t even get my hiking boots on. I sit in a cosy chair, sip hot chocolate and catch up with EastEnders. There simply isn’t time to volunteer anymore.
‘I’m flowing west. To the land of abundance, the space that gives room for unlimited growth. Time is love, and love is an amalgamation of prioritisation. However, my heart likes to speak, and often, I find that the vibrations are the same.’ – Dr Unique
I’m frozen with the memory that my writing was admonished for expressing my feelings. I’m cold with the thoughts that I thought you would never behave in this way.
Even knowing my trauma, you opened the curtains and re-enacted one of the worst things anyone has ever done in my life.
He saw I was down, injured by shards of misinterpretation. No! Misrepresentation! The information was ambiguous and clearly indicated a meeting.
I bled out, and he asked, ‘What are you up to?’
Then left me there for 24hrs.
Thankfully, I managed to get help. Miraculously, I survived the night. Regrettably, I sent a text. Notably, it went unanswered. Lazily, one word was sent in response. Secretly, I pondered over my next move.
I’m awake now. I reckon I’ll be okay. My new scars cover old scars, hiding my love for the unknown and perhaps the inconsiderate.
Tears are there, and a great escape is pending, but I push back. Well, step back. This is too much.
And just like that, sense has prevailed, and the fog has dispersed. You should’ve made it clear, my dear. You should’ve been truthful. 📵 ‘Fuck that liar! Fuck his friends and fuck his bitch.’ – Life Mantra
I returned to work on Tuesday after taking one day off sick due to poor mental health.
I had people who don’t usually communicate with me outside of work, sending unsolicited messages—asking questions under the guise of concern.
On Wednesday, one said to me, ‘Are you okay? Because you don’t seem yourself!’
Me: ‘Yes, I’m fine, thanks for asking.’
Idiot: ‘Are you sure? Because you don’t seem yourself!’
Me: ‘I’m fine. Thank you.’
Idiot: ‘Are you sure? You just don’t seem yourself at all. I’m here if you need anything. If you need to talk, I mean, I’m, I’m right, here okay.’
Me: ‘I’m fine. Thank you.’
I mean, a return to work was completed with my Line Manager, So why do others feel they are now competent enough or even wanted in my personal space? Why do they feel entitled to know why I was off work? Even when I’ve politely shut the topic down, they still push for information.
I could not wait to get out and finish my shift. Yes, there are many obvious reasons for being employed. However, self-employment is the true path for me.
Others say they mean well; they’re just looking out for you. But I never ticked a box to say, hey, I accept nosey fake doctors in my life. We’re not even close like that – never have been, never will.
In addition to the above, I would not have returned if I did not feel ready, nor would I disclose my reasons for being off sick. In short, leave me the fuck alone.
Wow! What a year it has been, the good, the bad, the dangerous? Cast aside to my think bin.
I set a few goals, a bit of this, and some of that; nothing has made me happier than writing. Though, after another 12 months of trying to play catch-up and not having the time to complete all I know I can. After 12 months of consideration, I have decided to take a break from blogging – it won’t be forever, just until June 2022.
I want to thank every one of you for supporting and inspiring my life. 2021 has been quite the challenge, and I officially recognise, I need to take a step back from this and focus intensely on my main goal. Of course, I will continue to read other blogs and show my love and support for my fellow Creative Writers – But for now, Crow and I shall fly through the skies in the hopes to return to you in two thousand and twenty-two.
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