Tag: Change

Still

📸: Pixabay

[05:36, 06/01/2020] Unique: Still

Time stands still.

In my mind.

I’ve woken up daily for five months, hoping that everything between us would heal.

Everything.

I’ve checked my phone every night, hoping you’ll be in touch.

(You used to touch my mind all the time)

Today I woke up and accepted our friendship died last year.

I know you said you wanted to remain friends, and I know I wasn’t sure about that. (Felt weird)

I know our friendship no longer exists, like the woolly mammoth it walked out one day to forage for food and never returned.

And I accept that.

I do.

I’m sorry.

I know you wanted more than anything to keep our connection.

It was so pure, real, needed!

‘It was!’

Our bonsai tree requires care and attention. The leaves have long since faded and the roots refuse to absorb the nutrients.

I remember watching a leaf drop, only one.

The next day they had all fallen.

I remember when we were in touch with each other, every day/night.

Then every few days.

Then at least once a week.

Still.

Today I woke up and accepted our friendship faded back in 2019.

The moment that thought was let through the acceptance trial, I cried profusely.

You saved me.

I’ll always feel honoured you found me when you did.

As I write this on the 6th of January 2020, my heart hurts. My tears are fast and constant, that blinking still leaves my vision blurry.

Still

You’ll remain a continuous thought in my mind. I’ll always wonder how you’re doing and I’ll hope that ‘you’re okay.’

Still

It took me months to erase our conversation on WhatsApp. Remember our first exchange and then compare it to our last – I apologise.

I take peace in knowing I was there for you when you needed me.

I relish the comfort in the belief ‘Que Sera!’

The future is not mine to see.

Still

With you, I wanted to see everything.

‘Que Sera’

But whatever will be, will be.

Still

Our universe connected us in ways we never knew existed.

I appreciate the sentiment when you initiate contact and send a message via WhatsApp.

Seeing a video specifically for our conversation is alien.

Hearing a voice note from you, where you state my name is alien.

Although, those lil messages I found sweet.

I still miss our bond from day one.

I’ll never block your number, the conversation will always be open by phone. (I acknowledge ours is borderline extinction)

Our universe advised me not to become so cold.

I know you’ll need me soon.

The ice steals from fear, and my anxiety was losing you.

Still

I woke up this morning and accepted you left back in 2019

I woke up, and my heartfelt heavy with magic.

I have no regrets.

Still

There are people on this earth that completely cut off.

I know that’s not us.

I’m saying wherever you are, wherever I go, you will always have space here.

Still

I’m putting this into the universe because I trust our complexities.

I trust my heart.

I trust my choices.

I believe in my purpose.

I have strength.

I have energy.

I have a healthy mind.

I have scope.

I have insight.

I have unique abilities.

I have my heartbeat.

Until we reconnect

Farewell my forever sweet avocado 🥑

The Delusion

‪The delusion that you truly believe I can be turned down, off, MUTE.‬

‪That my voice won’t visit your moments of quiet tracing your steps back to my den.‬

‪Oh! How awful do my lips look?‬

‪You distort the red.‬

‪I’m burrowed deeply into you. ‬

‪The delusion that you feel I can be placed on a bed of ice. Hoping that you’ll feel me FADE. Frozen in August 2019 where you left us.

My red lips, blue with the frost setting in. Your mind showing my absence.

Only, you hear my whispers.

‘Trust our universe’

‘You are amazing’

‘I believe in you.’

Yes, you heard that didn’t you!

Oh! How delusional that you felt for a moment in time that I was never Unique. I healed you…

You dismissed my powers when you felt the warmth of being cured.

At night you lay awake, wondering if you got things right? Hearing my sweet whispers and hoping (religiously) you’ll hear my voice once again.

Only I don’t exist.

Why I Don’t Fuck With You

📸: Bitmoji

Why I don’t fuck with you.

If not for the endless drivel of replayed news and images with no progress. Then most certainly the shit you text me after hours.

You bring nothing new to the table.

You speak about the same things – which would be fine if the conversation weren’t the exact same! It’s like time has frozen and you only know of the same things.

No growth!

I tire of the alerts on my phone that you need me. When I check it’s the same, I already know before I read anything from you.

     ‘Hey, Hun, hows u? xx’

      ‘Nah! I’ve got da flu.’

     ‘Wanna meet for lunch?’

They all start the same, once I reply you complain…

     ‘I never hear from her. Bitch! We were fucking best friends.’

     ‘We should meet for lunch.’

     ‘You, know so and so are still crap!’

Nothing new in your life.

No changes!

But you still complain about your life, how nothing goes right. Right?

Why I Don’t Fuck with You

I’m a person that grows continuously and shall beyond my time. You live in 2014 and remain chained to 2009. I can’t invest time into rubbish.

So, it shall remain here in 2019

Right here.

I’ve no time for those that replay the songs of idol gossip, or the movies of repeat actions, expecting new results.

Yes, you read that right the first time.

I’ve no time for those that replay the songs of idol gossip, or the movies of repeat actions, expecting new results.

You play credits to 2009 all the time. Because that’s all the time, you think about. You eat pork chops and mash, but ‘act’ shocked when the scales confirm that your weight has increased.

Lunch is always pending…

You speak of it, but it never comes into existence.

You’re always overspending, but that’s okay – as others repeat stupid actions by lending you money. You never learn. Well, you refine ‘the art of entitlement.’

Apologies!

I forgot to note your frequent comments, ‘I’m not going back to work, the government owes me money.’  To all those that are on a continuous spiral of nothingness, walking down the spiralling stairwell of nothingness. ‘Enjoy.’

Why I Don’t Fuck with You?

One day I realised that our ships are unequal. You take, take, take. I give, stop and then give more. You beg, beg, beg, and I ponder over what our minds think about one another…

You talk, and the output is stagnant like the plastic that remains at the bottom of our waters. I speak and bend the narrative, only you sway and revert to repetition. Then I’m trapped!

You are YOU, and at one point in my life, I enjoyed the stale attributes of repeated discussions. I enjoyed bitching about so and so and droning on about shit I never did anything to alter.

It’s 2019 as I type this, Christmas Eve to be exact 05:20 to add better vision.

#OnceUponATime

Bah! Humbug!

📸: Unsplash

Bah Humbug!

December is the month we indulge and be indulged, overeating roasted flesh and vegetables that accompany the dish.

We like to spend!

We like to spend what we have.

We like to spend what we don’t have.

TREAT YOURSELF!

Scream the lights hung up inside windows of our local ‘Highstreet.’ We hate being told what to do, but we are obedient when those lights tell us what to do.

Bah Humbug!

To the one use only Christmas jumpers – Yes! I know you felt you would get your wear out of it. But you say this every year, and every year you buy a new jumper. Donating £2 no £3 to the Christmas Jumper day charitable event.

Which as some say, ‘every little helps.’

How much did you spend on gifts this year?

Ooh! How much have you spent on food?

Don’t worry, you donated a few cans of chickpeas back in March to your local food bank. That’s alright, someone will benefit from your out of date donation. What did you say you’re having for Christmas dinner again? Ah! Let’s recap.

Starters

  • King prawns roasted in garlic butter laid on a bed of lettuce.
  • Sweet Thai chilli chicken, served on bruschetta.

Main

  • Roast Turkey/Chicken/Lamb/Salmon/Duck/Pig
  • Roast potatoes
  • Various vegetables – Must have sprouts
  • Pan-fried bits of bacon
  • Rice
  • Lashings of gravy
  • Stuffing balls

Pudding

  • Apple-pie
  • Apple Crumble
  • Christmas Pudding
  • Jam Roly-poly
  • Ice cream

A general idea of what some families have on Christmas day

It’s sad. We do so little to help those less fortunate – I’m not knocking your mini donations, a £1 here or a £1 there. ‘Every little helps.’ How much did you say Christmas dinner costs?

Christmas Day, one measly day out of the entire year. I use the term measly because it’s a day where the many are for themselves, and the few go on to suffer…

Bah Humbug!

Indoors overeating and eating, feeling full and still eating. Some people in receipt of gifts and tweeting their disgust, ‘I didn’t ask for this! I wanted that!’

Tis the season to be jolly.

You deserve all your heart desires and more. Let’s not think about the homeless this season. You received £600 worth of gifts. But that’s not enough! You expected more, you’re worth more.

John received a meal and a pair of socks, which was a gift from a charity.  On Boxing Day the 26th of December, most of the nation will be battling their way through the sales. Indulging even more.

There exists a plethora of reasons why I don’t like Christmas, and overindulgence is my primary one. It’s like we are a world of split-personalities. On the one hand, we infrequently feel charitable and donate from time to time. What is £1 compared to £600? Well it’s £1 more than £0

     I wish the month of December weren’t so commercialised. That we helped one another willingly and showed gratitude genuinely. It’s tiresome seeing the fights recorded the day after Christmas.

Our world is being destroyed by our own destructive choices, our indulgence in consumption and our lack of care for others.

“Heal the world

Make it a better place

For you and for me

And the entire human race

There are people dying

If you care enough for the living

Make it a better place

For you and for me”

– Michael Jackson

iRead: The Red Shoes by Hans Christian Anderson

‘In the middle of the village lived Old Mother Shoemaker. She took some old scraps of red cloth and did her best to make them into a little pair of shoes. They were a bit clumsy, but well meant, for she intended to give them to the little girl.’ (Hans Christian Anderson)

Very often, I see/hear ‘witness’ others complain about what they have. And not show appreciation for what they’ve got. ‘I need a new phone!’ Although, their current phone was released 8 months ago and purchased via contract 3 months later. ‘I need a new phone.’

Homelessness is very high across the United Kingdom, but what is the definition of United, when we can’t spare some change, but we do produce £79+ for a pair of Jordans. *Although, we already have 4 pairs in excellent condition at home. Home! Our Kingdom…

Gratitude: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

Spotless Mind

I was listening to Spotless Mind by Jhene Aiko earlier.

Change is inevitable
Why hold on to what you have to let go of?
Like, did I really break your heart?
Was it all my fault?
If you don’t knock it off
You know like I know where this was headed
I’m a wanderer
I’m a wanderer, baby
I’m a wanderer
I’m a wanderer

 

It made me think about how I sometimes approach parts of my life. I’m naturally analytical and often think about ‘all possible’ outcomes before deciding to take action. And usually, the effect is that I do nothing.

But as the first line highlights, ‘Change is inevitable.’ Meaning no matter what you choose to do in life, Change is inevitable. You can choose whether or not you wish to participate. However, if you don’t join, time goes by, and you miss out on experiences and experience in life.

The next sentence, ‘why hold onto what you have you have to let go of?‘ Infrequently I fear to let go of things, that I have become accustomed to. I often think about ways in which I can hold onto something, just in case the new situation, leads to failure.

However, I’m learning that sometimes you have to just cut things out and walk over to the next. You can’t live your life in fear of living! Be bold, be courageous and live your best life.

Simply put, there is no point in roaming around/online venting about all the negative strands of your life. ‘You know like I know where this was headed.‘

Go out there and be a wanderer, nourish your needs, wants and desires. Irrigate your confidence and cultivate a spotless mind.

Unique