In Other News

The missing snake who was once employed by has been found!

It has been reported that although she remained in a suit. Her head had been removed, with a slow, deep cut to her neck. The killer chopped her tail off and shoved it down her throat, into the cous cous filled cavity, her stomach.

     Her suit was grey with black trim, and a stain of instant coffee on the left lapel. has minimal standards for their kind of employees. Her footwear was open-toe sandals, tan in colour, it was summer after all.

We’ve been advised that the authorities have spoken with a key witness, who stated that she had witnessed the entire murder. We managed to catch up with her when she left the station, and after all that she said:

Interviewer: ‘Thank you for agreeing to speak with us. It is such a tragedy when something so horrific occurs in our community. I understand that you are in shock and processing everything, but could you tell us what happened here?’

Interviewee: ‘Well, what I saw was a snake in a suit have her scaly head sliced off. I mean, she wasn’t the prettiest of snakes and, well. She did work for, but she told LIES!’

Interviewer: ‘What do you mean? Surely you don’t believe that anyone deserves to be treated in such a manner?’

Interviewee: ‘So what you’re saying is, those who tell lies don’t deserve to die?’

Interviewer: ‘Excuse me?’

Interviewee: ‘That fucking bitch ass snake told a fucking lie and has been blessed with death. Yes, she deserved to DIE!’

The interviewer looks nervously into the camera lenses and then over to the Cameraman. Before mouthing ‘Did you have anything to do with this?’

Interviewee: ‘I saw that the killer used a knife they stole from that kitchenware shop on the Highstreet. It was lime green in colour, and I’m sure I spotted remnants of mushroom on the tip of the blade. It was a beautiful death.’

You’ll say this, and you’ll write that. You’ll cry insanity and parade down the anxiety path.

You’ll hiss, and you’ll slither.

You’ll hope, and you’ll craft, you’ll scheme and you’ll plot.

You’ll never cross Unique again, for your status has been updated – ROT!

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