A Private Thought – by B.

📸: From the files of B

A Private Thought

Sent: ‘I’m happy for you. Unique, I really am.’

Received: ‘Thank you.’

Sent: ‘You deserve everything you need from the universe!’

*I really miss you.

I need you in my life.

I’m kinda happy for you? Well, I don’t want you to be too happy. Because I want you to turn to me when you’re sad, ask me if you can rant.

I want you to need me forever.

I want you to share everything with me.

I know this is terrible when I know you’ve moved on. But I want you Unique, I’m going to remain in your life.

Even when you push me away, I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere, you’re too important for me to lose.

I just felt we were?

I miss you.

Tell me anything you like. I wanna know.

Received: ‘I wholeheartedly trust our universe.’

Sent: ‘You deserve everything in life.’

Received: ‘Thank you.’

**You used to tell me everything. You used to say more!

I want you to tell me everything.

I want you to say more.

I can’t accept the ambiguity!

Sent: ‘You know I’ll always be here for you, whenever you need me.’

Received: ‘I’m happy. Thank you.’

**You’ll never know how much I miss you.

B.

Zone

Dedicated to You

Zone

Remember that area that you were not permitted to use.

But you trespassed anyway.

What are the rules to the unruly?

Words spoken, understood, never followed.

Remember that area you were not permitted to use.

But you asked too many questions.

What are words on paper categorised as law?

You heard everything and obeyed nothing.

Look at yourself.

Welcome, Unique!

Open Me

📸: Unique’s email notifications

Open Me

16.01.2020

Hey Unique,

I’m sending this email as I’ve noticed that you haven’t replied to any of my messages.

Why haven’t you responded?

Are you upset with me?

Have I done something to upset you?

I really hope you do reply! I’ve been wondering if you would like to meet up for lunch? Or maybe we could go for cocktails this weekend. But if you prefer lunch, then I do too.

Can’t wait to hear back from you.

Xo

**Meanwhile

Unique sits on a train heading up north to Edinburgh. She is sipping on Innocent orange juice while reading My Sister the Serial Killer.

Her phone is on flight mode.

Unique is listening to Beethoven, unbothered by life outside her mind.

Trees

📸: Pixabay

Trees

The carving was done by an amateur, but his eyes saw none.

He whined and held onto control, but his heart was done.

He spiked, he rooted he soiled within the soil.

He claimed pressure on priorities, they noted the TOIL.

His sides contained small pockets of rot.

Roots peeping near forget-me-nots.

The ants crawled up the squirrels scurried down.

A century of life forgotten as they chop off from the crown.

Through the skies, he falls, in silence from here.

The vibrations felt hard by the heartbeats quite near.

But Mr Jones needs a new couch.

A hundred years mean nothing when we want for ourselves.

Written by Unique Inspired by The Huntsman

Scapegoat

📸: Pixabay

Scapegoat

Man: ‘She grassed me up, she told the world!’

Woman: ‘What, she really spoke?’

Man: ‘She more than spoke, she told the others.’

Woman: ‘Don’t worry about it, we’ll cut her throat!’

Man: ‘She’s exaggerating about the facts. I mean, yes I did a little bit of this and a smidgen of that.’

Woman: ‘But it was just a joke?’

Man: ‘Yes. I did do all that she said. But fuck that dramatic bitch! She’s pushed me right over the edge.’

Woman: ‘Don’t worry about it, we’ll cut her throat.’

Man: ‘I want to choke the fucking grass and smash her head into her desk.’

Woman: ‘I’ll support you, either way, do what you feel is best.’

Man: ‘When she returns to work, I’ll break her down. I’ll overwhelm her with tasks, I’ll smash her crown. That pretentious witch believes she knows best. Well, I’ll give her what for, I’ll increase her stress.

Little Ms KnowItAll, informing the powers that be, that I mistreated her!

I!

ME!’

Woman: ‘On that final note, don’t worry about it. We’ll cut her throat.’

#Scapegoat

YOU

📸: Unsplash

‘I’ve moved on.’ – YOU

To This Day:

You want my time.

You want my space.

You want my mind.

You want my comfort.

You need my magic.

You need my energy.

You need my positivity.

You need me. Period.

You peer into my world, with your trojan messages. FAIL.

You send me photos of yourself.

YOU send me photos of yourself.

You send photos of yourself that have no real purpose.

You send me voice notes.

You send me videos.

You want to meet up.

I never asked for any of this. I remember stating, ‘we can’t be friends, we can’t be anything. Let’s leave US right here.’

You want to remain friends.

You want to be here for me.

You want nothing to change between us.

You want us to keep our connection.

I hear crow whisper ‘deception, transgression, manipulation, inequitable reward.’

To This Day – YOU

Still

📸: Pixabay

[05:36, 06/01/2020] Unique: Still

Time stands still.

In my mind.

I’ve woken up daily for five months, hoping that everything between us would heal.

Everything.

I’ve checked my phone every night, hoping you’ll be in touch.

(You used to touch my mind all the time)

Today I woke up and accepted our friendship died last year.

I know you said you wanted to remain friends, and I know I wasn’t sure about that. (Felt weird)

I know our friendship no longer exists, like the woolly mammoth it walked out one day to forage for food and never returned.

And I accept that.

I do.

I’m sorry.

I know you wanted more than anything to keep our connection.

It was so pure, real, needed!

‘It was!’

Our bonsai tree requires care and attention. The leaves have long since faded and the roots refuse to absorb the nutrients.

I remember watching a leaf drop, only one.

The next day they had all fallen.

I remember when we were in touch with each other, every day/night.

Then every few days.

Then at least once a week.

Still.

Today I woke up and accepted our friendship faded back in 2019.

The moment that thought was let through the acceptance trial, I cried profusely.

You saved me.

I’ll always feel honoured you found me when you did.

As I write this on the 6th of January 2020, my heart hurts. My tears are fast and constant, that blinking still leaves my vision blurry.

Still

You’ll remain a continuous thought in my mind. I’ll always wonder how you’re doing and I’ll hope that ‘you’re okay.’

Still

It took me months to erase our conversation on WhatsApp. Remember our first exchange and then compare it to our last – I apologise.

I take peace in knowing I was there for you when you needed me.

I relish the comfort in the belief ‘Que Sera!’

The future is not mine to see.

Still

With you, I wanted to see everything.

‘Que Sera’

But whatever will be, will be.

Still

Our universe connected us in ways we never knew existed.

I appreciate the sentiment when you initiate contact and send a message via WhatsApp.

Seeing a video specifically for our conversation is alien.

Hearing a voice note from you, where you state my name is alien.

Although, those lil messages I found sweet.

I still miss our bond from day one.

I’ll never block your number, the conversation will always be open by phone. (I acknowledge ours is borderline extinction)

Our universe advised me not to become so cold.

I know you’ll need me soon.

The ice steals from fear, and my anxiety was losing you.

Still

I woke up this morning and accepted you left back in 2019

I woke up, and my heartfelt heavy with magic.

I have no regrets.

Still

There are people on this earth that completely cut off.

I know that’s not us.

I’m saying wherever you are, wherever I go, you will always have space here.

Still

I’m putting this into the universe because I trust our complexities.

I trust my heart.

I trust my choices.

I believe in my purpose.

I have strength.

I have energy.

I have a healthy mind.

I have scope.

I have insight.

I have unique abilities.

I have my heartbeat.

Until we reconnect

Farewell my forever sweet avocado 🥑

I Never Existed

📸: Pixabay

You imagined a saviour.

You found me and I saved you.

You needed comforting.

You called me and I held you.

You desired to be loved.

You kissed me and I loved you. In a way that was real enough.

You needed your heart repairing.

You held me and I stitched the fragments back together.

You wanted peace and quiet

You expressed your wishes and I let you fall asleep on my thighs.

You had headaches and they stunned you each time.

You spoke of head massages and I massaged your mind.

You attempted to drown yourself.

I raced over and pulled you out of death. I performed first-aid and you choked, between your tears. We sat in silence, until your mind was here and not down there.

You abandoned me…like I never existed.

You Can’t See Me

📸: Unsplash

We are two people.‬

‪Separate.‬

When together we form one. (Ish)

Hugs everlasting and memorable.

Warm.

Secure.

Until I got scared and lied to you.

I lied profusely.

I invented stories.

I acted, by reacting to things what I said happened.

I made sure you saw everything.

All I wanted was more of this.

Instead it dwindled.

I transformed into a honey badger and clawed away at your ankles until they snapped and you fell.

I ran away.

I shrunk myself down and grew long black wings. I felt more balanced and well rounded.

I flew through the forest and found you eating wild mushrooms.

I saw bandages holding your ankles blood supply in tact. I shuddered at what I put you through.

I flew on.

And on.

And on.

Until my heart stopped! I fell from the sky disgracefully. Right into an area of quicksand.

You can’t see me.

Bean

Hey Sweetie,

See me waving rapidly and grinning like Bean. I’m elated to see you and enjoy spending time with you.

Pardon? No, I would never be so passive aggressive. That status update had nothing to do with you.

Gee, I’m a Creative Writer!

‘Hello I’m Bean!’

I disagree with your thoughts. When I see you, I’m going to park my car in the space you wanted.

No! Never out of malice. Simply because I’m Bean.

The Delusion

‪The delusion that you truly believe I can be turned down, off, MUTE.‬

‪That my voice won’t visit your moments of quiet tracing your steps back to my den.‬

‪Oh! How awful do my lips look?‬

‪You distort the red.‬

‪I’m burrowed deeply into you. ‬

‪The delusion that you feel I can be placed on a bed of ice. Hoping that you’ll feel me FADE. Frozen in August 2019 where you left us.

My red lips, blue with the frost setting in. Your mind showing my absence.

Only, you hear my whispers.

‘Trust our universe’

‘You are amazing’

‘I believe in you.’

Yes, you heard that didn’t you!

Oh! How delusional that you felt for a moment in time that I was never Unique. I healed you…

You dismissed my powers when you felt the warmth of being cured.

At night you lay awake, wondering if you got things right? Hearing my sweet whispers and hoping (religiously) you’ll hear my voice once again.

Only I don’t exist.

What I Learned in 2019

📸: Unsplash
  1. Friendships: I learnt that I don’t need years upon years to call someone a friend. I’ve met some fantastic people this year, and I’m happy that they’re in my life.
  2. Discussions: In 2020, I won’t be discussing the following aspects of my life – love, finances and challenges. I found through talking about such topics, it led to people watering down things and entwining their opinions with that they feel should be my actions.
  3. Advice: This links into the above a little, I won’t be taking any advice on the above. This year, I’ve asked for advice, and it’s all been nonsense. I’ve no time for it.
  4. Time: My time is just that, MINE! Some people have this sense of entitlement as if I owe a debt of time that can be paid back in random instalments. Time is so precious, I know that saying is cliché, but it is true. No longer will I allow my time to be stolen by time thieves, who never seem to grasp that I have no obligation to fulfil their requests.
  5. Creativity: This year, I have tapped into a part of my creativity that has allowed me to produce some amazing pieces. (I’m eternally thankful.) I’ve been writing more and I’m both proud and astonished at the short-stories I have created. Some have taken me months to tease out of my mind and translate onto paper.
  6. Reflection: I have a period of reflection every single day. I think about what goals I have completed and plan for the next day. It helps me to relax, as an introvert, I need to use a lot of mental energy, so reflective thinking is beautiful.

Although 2019 will be over in a few hours, I’m not running away from it. I accept it has been a turbulent year for me and with turbulence comes lessons learnt. I’m taking this knowledge into 2020 and building upon it.

Resolutions?

I don’t make resolutions, as goals I set, I start them the day I set them. No point in waiting for New Year’s Eve, life is never guaranteed.

Thank you all for following me on my creative journey, I shall try to post more frequently and read more. I truly appreciate your continuous support.

Thank you 2019

Unique

xX

Why I Don’t Fuck With You

📸: Bitmoji

Why I don’t fuck with you.

If not for the endless drivel of replayed news and images with no progress. Then most certainly the shit you text me after hours.

You bring nothing new to the table.

You speak about the same things – which would be fine if the conversation weren’t the exact same! It’s like time has frozen and you only know of the same things.

No growth!

I tire of the alerts on my phone that you need me. When I check it’s the same, I already know before I read anything from you.

     ‘Hey, Hun, hows u? xx’

      ‘Nah! I’ve got da flu.’

     ‘Wanna meet for lunch?’

They all start the same, once I reply you complain…

     ‘I never hear from her. Bitch! We were fucking best friends.’

     ‘We should meet for lunch.’

     ‘You, know so and so are still crap!’

Nothing new in your life.

No changes!

But you still complain about your life, how nothing goes right. Right?

Why I Don’t Fuck with You

I’m a person that grows continuously and shall beyond my time. You live in 2014 and remain chained to 2009. I can’t invest time into rubbish.

So, it shall remain here in 2019

Right here.

I’ve no time for those that replay the songs of idol gossip, or the movies of repeat actions, expecting new results.

Yes, you read that right the first time.

I’ve no time for those that replay the songs of idol gossip, or the movies of repeat actions, expecting new results.

You play credits to 2009 all the time. Because that’s all the time, you think about. You eat pork chops and mash, but ‘act’ shocked when the scales confirm that your weight has increased.

Lunch is always pending…

You speak of it, but it never comes into existence.

You’re always overspending, but that’s okay – as others repeat stupid actions by lending you money. You never learn. Well, you refine ‘the art of entitlement.’

Apologies!

I forgot to note your frequent comments, ‘I’m not going back to work, the government owes me money.’  To all those that are on a continuous spiral of nothingness, walking down the spiralling stairwell of nothingness. ‘Enjoy.’

Why I Don’t Fuck with You?

One day I realised that our ships are unequal. You take, take, take. I give, stop and then give more. You beg, beg, beg, and I ponder over what our minds think about one another…

You talk, and the output is stagnant like the plastic that remains at the bottom of our waters. I speak and bend the narrative, only you sway and revert to repetition. Then I’m trapped!

You are YOU, and at one point in my life, I enjoyed the stale attributes of repeated discussions. I enjoyed bitching about so and so and droning on about shit I never did anything to alter.

It’s 2019 as I type this, Christmas Eve to be exact 05:20 to add better vision.

#OnceUponATime

Bah! Humbug!

📸: Unsplash

Bah Humbug!

December is the month we indulge and be indulged, overeating roasted flesh and vegetables that accompany the dish.

We like to spend!

We like to spend what we have.

We like to spend what we don’t have.

TREAT YOURSELF!

Scream the lights hung up inside windows of our local ‘Highstreet.’ We hate being told what to do, but we are obedient when those lights tell us what to do.

Bah Humbug!

To the one use only Christmas jumpers – Yes! I know you felt you would get your wear out of it. But you say this every year, and every year you buy a new jumper. Donating £2 no £3 to the Christmas Jumper day charitable event.

Which as some say, ‘every little helps.’

How much did you spend on gifts this year?

Ooh! How much have you spent on food?

Don’t worry, you donated a few cans of chickpeas back in March to your local food bank. That’s alright, someone will benefit from your out of date donation. What did you say you’re having for Christmas dinner again? Ah! Let’s recap.

Starters

  • King prawns roasted in garlic butter laid on a bed of lettuce.
  • Sweet Thai chilli chicken, served on bruschetta.

Main

  • Roast Turkey/Chicken/Lamb/Salmon/Duck/Pig
  • Roast potatoes
  • Various vegetables – Must have sprouts
  • Pan-fried bits of bacon
  • Rice
  • Lashings of gravy
  • Stuffing balls

Pudding

  • Apple-pie
  • Apple Crumble
  • Christmas Pudding
  • Jam Roly-poly
  • Ice cream

A general idea of what some families have on Christmas day

It’s sad. We do so little to help those less fortunate – I’m not knocking your mini donations, a £1 here or a £1 there. ‘Every little helps.’ How much did you say Christmas dinner costs?

Christmas Day, one measly day out of the entire year. I use the term measly because it’s a day where the many are for themselves, and the few go on to suffer…

Bah Humbug!

Indoors overeating and eating, feeling full and still eating. Some people in receipt of gifts and tweeting their disgust, ‘I didn’t ask for this! I wanted that!’

Tis the season to be jolly.

You deserve all your heart desires and more. Let’s not think about the homeless this season. You received £600 worth of gifts. But that’s not enough! You expected more, you’re worth more.

John received a meal and a pair of socks, which was a gift from a charity.  On Boxing Day the 26th of December, most of the nation will be battling their way through the sales. Indulging even more.

There exists a plethora of reasons why I don’t like Christmas, and overindulgence is my primary one. It’s like we are a world of split-personalities. On the one hand, we infrequently feel charitable and donate from time to time. What is £1 compared to £600? Well it’s £1 more than £0

     I wish the month of December weren’t so commercialised. That we helped one another willingly and showed gratitude genuinely. It’s tiresome seeing the fights recorded the day after Christmas.

Our world is being destroyed by our own destructive choices, our indulgence in consumption and our lack of care for others.

“Heal the world

Make it a better place

For you and for me

And the entire human race

There are people dying

If you care enough for the living

Make it a better place

For you and for me”

– Michael Jackson