Tag: feelings

Still

📸: Pixabay

[05:36, 06/01/2020] Unique: Still

Time stands still.

In my mind.

I’ve woken up daily for five months, hoping that everything between us would heal.

Everything.

I’ve checked my phone every night, hoping you’ll be in touch.

(You used to touch my mind all the time)

Today I woke up and accepted our friendship died last year.

I know you said you wanted to remain friends, and I know I wasn’t sure about that. (Felt weird)

I know our friendship no longer exists, like the woolly mammoth it walked out one day to forage for food and never returned.

And I accept that.

I do.

I’m sorry.

I know you wanted more than anything to keep our connection.

It was so pure, real, needed!

‘It was!’

Our bonsai tree requires care and attention. The leaves have long since faded and the roots refuse to absorb the nutrients.

I remember watching a leaf drop, only one.

The next day they had all fallen.

I remember when we were in touch with each other, every day/night.

Then every few days.

Then at least once a week.

Still.

Today I woke up and accepted our friendship faded back in 2019.

The moment that thought was let through the acceptance trial, I cried profusely.

You saved me.

I’ll always feel honoured you found me when you did.

As I write this on the 6th of January 2020, my heart hurts. My tears are fast and constant, that blinking still leaves my vision blurry.

Still

You’ll remain a continuous thought in my mind. I’ll always wonder how you’re doing and I’ll hope that ‘you’re okay.’

Still

It took me months to erase our conversation on WhatsApp. Remember our first exchange and then compare it to our last – I apologise.

I take peace in knowing I was there for you when you needed me.

I relish the comfort in the belief ‘Que Sera!’

The future is not mine to see.

Still

With you, I wanted to see everything.

‘Que Sera’

But whatever will be, will be.

Still

Our universe connected us in ways we never knew existed.

I appreciate the sentiment when you initiate contact and send a message via WhatsApp.

Seeing a video specifically for our conversation is alien.

Hearing a voice note from you, where you state my name is alien.

Although, those lil messages I found sweet.

I still miss our bond from day one.

I’ll never block your number, the conversation will always be open by phone. (I acknowledge ours is borderline extinction)

Our universe advised me not to become so cold.

I know you’ll need me soon.

The ice steals from fear, and my anxiety was losing you.

Still

I woke up this morning and accepted you left back in 2019

I woke up, and my heartfelt heavy with magic.

I have no regrets.

Still

There are people on this earth that completely cut off.

I know that’s not us.

I’m saying wherever you are, wherever I go, you will always have space here.

Still

I’m putting this into the universe because I trust our complexities.

I trust my heart.

I trust my choices.

I believe in my purpose.

I have strength.

I have energy.

I have a healthy mind.

I have scope.

I have insight.

I have unique abilities.

I have my heartbeat.

Until we reconnect

Farewell my forever sweet avocado 🥑

Forget Me…Not

📸: Galaxies

Forget my sapphire-blue hair, ruby-red lips and 34DDs.

Forget the calypso of Shea-butter oil, that exudes a sweet aroma from my hair.

Forget how I made you tingle all over, by delivering my honey kisses. When you longed for them, and when you dreamt about them. I always delivered.

Forget the moments of calm I instilled within a whisper.

Me talking you through the ways in which you will get through.

Me holding you tight and keeping you safe.

Me touching your mind in ways you never knew existed.

Me stroking you for hours and hours.

Not the aspects that you conveniently forgot about.

Not the conversations that floated off our tongues and into the universe.

Not the connection that was felt from our first exchange.

Not the star we built, shared and lost.

Forget me…not

I Never Existed

📸: Pixabay

You imagined a saviour.

You found me and I saved you.

You needed comforting.

You called me and I held you.

You desired to be loved.

You kissed me and I loved you. In a way that was real enough.

You needed your heart repairing.

You held me and I stitched the fragments back together.

You wanted peace and quiet

You expressed your wishes and I let you fall asleep on my thighs.

You had headaches and they stunned you each time.

You spoke of head massages and I massaged your mind.

You attempted to drown yourself.

I raced over and pulled you out of death. I performed first-aid and you choked, between your tears. We sat in silence, until your mind was here and not down there.

You abandoned me…like I never existed.

I Died First

📸: Pixabay

‪I died 1st‬

‪I woke, I worried, I wondered, I fed.‬
‪I worried more.‬
‪I pondered.‬
‪I identified. I stressed.‬

‪I tapped, I thought.‬

‪I cried. I cried. I imploded, I scowled. ‬
‪I was vex.‬
‪It was a mess.‬

‪You had lied.‬

‪I dispatched our connect.‬

‪She died 1st.‬

‪#Poetry #CreativeWriting‬

You Can’t See Me

📸: Unsplash

We are two people.‬

‪Separate.‬

When together we form one. (Ish)

Hugs everlasting and memorable.

Warm.

Secure.

Until I got scared and lied to you.

I lied profusely.

I invented stories.

I acted, by reacting to things what I said happened.

I made sure you saw everything.

All I wanted was more of this.

Instead it dwindled.

I transformed into a honey badger and clawed away at your ankles until they snapped and you fell.

I ran away.

I shrunk myself down and grew long black wings. I felt more balanced and well rounded.

I flew through the forest and found you eating wild mushrooms.

I saw bandages holding your ankles blood supply in tact. I shuddered at what I put you through.

I flew on.

And on.

And on.

Until my heart stopped! I fell from the sky disgracefully. Right into an area of quicksand.

You can’t see me.

Like You Used To

📸: Pixabay

Like You Used To

Those dwellers that dwell in the past, beneath the rock that states, ‘I woz ere 2000.’

Why is it that many can’t see and accept when a person changes? The human can become a better person, refining their current skill set and becoming a better person.

I find it a laborious task explaining to someone that most people, ‘thinkers & doers’ alike are groups of people who progress in life.

What am I babbling on about?

Those conversations I’m brought into whereby one party can’t seem to accept, that another does not operate like that anymore. For instance, I gave up eating meat and consuming dairy a few months ago, till this very day I have people say, ‘Why don’t you eat meat like you used to?’

I also never used to date single fathers; however, a recent encounter changed my mind. But I still get those questions!

Why, oh, why? Don’t you do that like you used to?

Are we trying to stunt the growth of a person, to fit our own perceptions that we build within our mind – to keep our own egos satisfied that another person isn’t doing better? (Gee, a mouthful I know.)

The tedious, familiar feeling I have when I must reply. (Not replying comes across as rude)

Why do some of us have this urge to live stagnant lives? Extract the word ‘live’ and replace it with repeat. Why do some of us have this urge to repeat stagnant lives?

We are on Earth, within a multiverse of universes and yet, SOME of US choose to REPEAT stagnant lives.  Is this a rant? I would say a mini one.

Maybe I’m not transparent enough? Nah!

I believe some people have become too lazy to think before they plough into a conversation, like a person wearing glass slippers on ice. Or a chef preparing vegan food using meat-based cooking utensils. Or saying you care about climate change while discarding your waste into the ocean and buying a bucket of chicken on the way home.

Like you used to!

Will this stop, not unless they think before they speak. But then who am I to make such a statement? I’m just trying to do my bit in a world where people like to repeat stagnant lives.

Well, rant over!

I hope you see how important it is to vent. Bottling up your annoyance, won’t make it age like fine wine. It will fester and become putrid, like comments from trolls beneath a curvy person posting a beautiful image.

Fester away and attract rats with the smell and stale vibes, of a conversation past due – and poorly placed. Boil away like the multiplication of a Gremlin when wet.

Express yourself, don’t repress yourself.

If you need to rant, then rant. Don’t hold onto it and backpack with it to your tomorrow.

Our lives could end like the male Mayfly – all in a day’s action.

How do I feel?

Awesome. Ready to start a new day.

No Ceilings

Picture Credit: Unsplash

No Ceilings in My Life

I was placed here in this universe for a reason.

People have tried on many occasions to dissuade me many times, both close friends and family.

There have even been times where I have believed, they are right, and I can’t do exactly what I want. Looking back there were a few occasions where I gave up on pursuing my passion.

It has taken me years to accept that I can remove those ceilings from my pathway. Which is up! Like a shooting star I shall rise and soar, and the world will see and feel me.

YEARS!

I’ve always felt this inherent desire about where my life will go. I’ve known my purpose in life since I was a young child. My journey is unique to me – I can’t tell you how to get to where you ultimately want to be. All I can say is that you should focus on your own pathway and listen to your heart.

What is working for me may only work for one other person. Or may not work at all.

I’m a firm believer that we all have a purpose in life – I felt it a few times during my childhood. It’s only now in my adult life that I’ve accepted it – I’m unique.

You’re Unique, there is no one else quite like you!

This event is happening now, you must trust your energy. Believe in our universe and take action with your dreams.

You are a creator.

You are important.

You are Unique.

The barriers around you are all a manifestation of negative energy.

Dilute that until it fades.

One thing I do more now is I step-up to the fear.

I feared telling someone how I felt about them.

I feared leaving.

I feared applying to study at University.

I feared tasting tofu (I know that’s random.)

Our universe is plentiful.

You must believe in yourself – break down your walls and build your own table.

Remember: People will do everything and more to ruin you. (Consciously and subconsciously.)

Success does not depend on your existence, it depends on your actions – believe in yourself.

Don’t just live, learn how to self-manifest.

You are the key, the major key, the ONLY key to your most sacred dreams.

How many times have you stated, ‘I’m going to start tomorrow,’ and then pushed back?

What are your habits?

Ultimately, they will form the basis of your manifestation.

Don’t run away from your gift! Embrace it. It loves you!

We are not just here to get by and work.

We are here to live and flourish within this life.

We were created to bless the world with our gifts.

You don’t need to have a huge following or likes. You don’t require approval from anyone else.

Embrace yourself.

Don’t be numbed by employment – work on your passion each day.

The world wants to share your gift and draw upon the energy and inspiration.

#ManifestNow

#YouHaveAPurpose

#YouAreUnique

Who Do You Love, Are You Sure?

Photo credit: Pixabay

Before

I fell in love with a man that ticked all the boxes.

My list went on forever, about a meter in length, Time New Roman, font size 10.

He lived alone, knew how to drive and earned a decent wage. Our first date was near the beach, and it all began with a wave – Hey Unique.

I had high expectations, which he met and surpassed. He was health-conscious, earth-conscious and his positivity was unmatched.

Did we ever fall in love? No. But I was sure then he was my happily ever after.

After

I fell in love with a man that externally was a catch for all.

My list was crippled by my internal anxiety. I told myself I was never good enough for him.

I made sure I was there.

He drove, cycled, owned his own apartment, cooked, earned a wealthy wage and was polite.

He made me believe I was never good enough, by the silence he often bestowed. He used to pick me up so high, love me and drop me like a bag of plastic tossed into the sea.

As I’m sinking, I see his menacing glare, but before I’m fully submerged, he would pick me up and embrace me. He would hold me so tightly, felt like he would never let go.

My expectations bounced from one end to the other – this man loves me? No. We just fucked like passionate lovers.

Who Do You Love, Are You Sure?

‘Who do you love, are you sure?’ – LL Cool J

We love one another, we sometimes love ourselves.

We’ve loved many others, before and after tales.

Emotions are draining and powerful at the same time, emotions are unpredictable, and even then, they’re all beautiful.

I was sure about before, I was sure about after, now in my future, I look back, and I’m past that.

I loved him then, and there ever after. That was at the time, I knew nothing past that.

Currently

I became friends with a fellow creative, we both adore the art of writing.

Infrequently exploring the universe together, amidst our surrounding circles of blended passion and lightening.

 Our bond is beautiful, and I must tell you so, I know I love this man and I know, he’ll never know.

‘I wish we met years ago!’

I wish the same things too.

Writing these words right now, and I only want to correspond with you. ‘I do.’

I’m as sure as my heart beats, I know my emotion so. I’ll always be here for you and my words you should know.

To build a connection, created from our starlight, our universe is ours, and forever we shall illuminate.

Who do I love? You, my love.

Are you sure? Unconditionally.

Who do I love? Blue, I love blue.

Are you sure? Like the depths of the ocean.

Who do I love? You, I love you.

Are you sure? Yes.

Who Do You Love, Are You sure?

Friends – Real Friends

Remember those long conversations with friends. Conversations that make you laugh, cry and almost pass out through lack of air.

Remember when you dream about doing something and those same friends say, ‘that’s impossible! You should just stick to working and work your way up in the company.’

Remember those friends that vanished when you needed their support? When you fell down, into a ditch that was filled with thorns of steel. They looked over the edge and turned their backs – Who wants to be that friend?

 

I

When I needed you all the most you abandoned me. I called out and I heard a rodent of some kind, gnawing away at the bones you left in your wake.

 

Sparkle

When it rains glitter on me, I see your eyes beam and shine in my direction. You smile and hit me up with a few plagiarised, overshared text messages. Then comes the invitation to lunch.

‘No thank you.’

Friends – Real friends, are people that stay around. Even though a load shit is dumped on top of me. Whilst I try to climb out of this ditch.

Even now, the only friend – the real friend I have, is Me, Myself & I.